blog, self improvement

How To Stay Positive In A Negative World

feel better without drugs or therapy

the Golden Pavilion, Kyoto, Japan
Golden Pavilion Kinkaku-ji, Kyoto Japan

We see the world, not as it is, but as we are.
Stephen Covey

When you look at the world around you, what do you see?

Do you see beauty, hope, and possibility? Or do you see destruction, despair and delusion? It all depends on your viewpoint.

As seen above, the Golden Pavilion Kinkaku-ji has natural beauty, man-made elegance, the richness of gold, and the calmness of water reflecting serenity.

The reality was much less attractive. We visited at the weekend and the site was swarming with tourists from all over the world, their different languages clashing in a modern day Babel. Everyone wanted unobstructed photos of the pavilion, everyone was waving a selfie stick, and everyone crowded at the barrier.

We’d travelled a long way and we wanted our picture too. Frantic tourism and ancient tranquillity fought for the same space, and I knew which I wanted to remember. By stepping back from the crowd and being patient, I was able to spot the opportunity to capture a moment.

Was that choice reasonable, or was I refusing to see the truth in order to present a lie?

Open Your Eyes

You see what you expect to see, Severus.
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Just open your eyes and look — but it isn’t as simple as that. You filter and disregard far more information than you retain. It’s essential, because you could not hope to pay attention to all the inputs.

Studies estimate that the brain receives 400 billion bits of data per second, of which the eyes receive 10 million bits per second. You’re only aware of perhaps 2,000 bits per second.   

Thinking about buying a new car, maybe a blue VW? Suddenly you see VW cars everywhere, and especially blue ones, where you didn’t notice them before. That doesn’t negate the existence of all the other cars on the road, but they’re temporarily less important than the ones you’re paying attention to.

Your brain is wired to take shortcuts and build theories to deal with all this data quickly. This can be helpful, but it also leads to confirmation bias, causing you to ignore evidence that disagrees with your first impression. That bias is a bad thing if you’re investigating a crime or making a diagnosis.

But if you’re trying to stay positive in a negative world, confirmation bias can be your friend.

Mind The Gap

Stress is the gap between our expectation and reality.
Buddha

The lifetime prevalence of major depression in high-income countries is 14.6%. Less severe mood disorders affect a further 12% of patients in family practice. How can this be, in this era of technological advance and generally high levels of personal safety and freedom?

As high as living standards may be, our expectations at every level of society are still higher. Driven by comparison on social media and seductive advertising, our desire for more is constantly fed and never fully satisfied. We rapidly adjust to each step up – and there’s always something new to aspire towards.

Unmet expectations induce emotions such as anger and resentment, and feeling unable to reach them leads to helplessness and despair. While you absolutely can use envy to fuel your progress, there are times when that’s not appropriate. Expectations must be managed.

Taking a vacation is an example. Before booking a hotel, you probably look at reviews. Surprisingly, guests staying at the same time often give wildly varying accounts of their stays.  One guest was disappointed not to be given the best room in the property, treated the staff like servants and saw reasons to complain about everything from the weather to the amount of ice in their drink. Another was happy to be on holiday, treated others with respect, and saw reasons for praise.

You will be happier when you match your expectations to the limits of your personal influence. Where you have no or limited influence, try to manage your expectations as low as you can tolerate.

If you are content with less, then everything else is a bonus. If only perfection will do, even a small deviation will disappoint you. You can see this play out at the Olympics, where a study of medal winners’ expressions showed bronze medal winners are generally much happier than silver medallists.

Bronze medallists are happy to get a medal they didn’t have before, like Tom Daley in 2012. Silver medallists are unhappy not to get a gold medal, like McKayla Maroney in 2012.

It’s tough to work hard for something and then try to let go of your attachment to the outcome. It’s galling to hear people who have already achieved your goal say it doesn’t matter because process is the real prize. But that doesn’t make it less true.

Make your product or your advice great, send it into the world, and get on with the next one without obsessing over the reception you think it deserves. As soon as you talk about what you should have, your expectations are showing.

There is only one person you can expect more of, and that’s you. If you have given your all in the pursuit of a goal, that is a form of success. You can’t force any result to go in your favour and the world does not owe you.

The simpler your needs, the more likely they will be met or even exceeded. When needs are met you can be content; when needs are exceeded you can be happy. How can you make this shift in mindset?

How Much Is Enough?

My expectations were reduced to zero when I was 21. Everything since then has been a bonus.
Stephen Hawking

Sometimes we’re told to live each day as if it were our last. How would you spend your final, precious twenty-four hours?

You could either focus on all the time you would miss, or you could focus on what you still had. The taste of your favourite coffee, the smile of your favourite person, birdsong, or the scent of a rose would take on a new significance.

The good news is, those things are available to you right now. Happy feelings can be yours, if you look for them. Rather than discount all the real things you have compared to the imaginary stuff you don’t, appreciate and enjoy them. Compare your current experience not with some fictional worse-off person, but with not having them yourself.

Reacquaint yourself with gratitude.

Gratitude journals have been shown to increase happiness. However, I’ve found that people react to the idea with disbelief or cynicism, particularly when depressed. Those with low mood have the most to gain, but their focus is unfailingly negative. There’s a way around this.

First acknowledge the suck. The suck is real so feel free to pour your heart out on the pages of your journal. Then once you’ve run out of suck, you find three things to be grateful for that day and write them down.

I’ve done this exercise and the truth is, some days it’s a struggle to find positive things. It’s tough. That’s when it’s most needed. You might have to dig deep but even little tiny things count. A cup of tea given without asking, a puppy running in the park, flowers, a pretty sunset, hot water and indoor plumbing, or no queue at the checkout are all reasons to smile.

For anyone preoccupied with everything that’s wrong, focusing on the tiny spots of light in the darkness can produce a real shift in attitude – without therapy or drugs. And since what you focus on grows, the more you seek out positive things the more you’ll see.

Of course it’s not the whole picture. You are applying a filter to the world, not changing it, so does any of this matter?

Your viewpoint matters because you can’t hope to feel content when everything looks negative. You can’t change your world from a position of despair. You need to feel better first.

Turn To The Light

As long as this exists, this sunshine and this cloudless sky, and as long as I can enjoy it, how can I be sad?
Anne Frank

With practice, you can be happier without therapy or drugs. The keys are managed expectations and regular deliberate focus on positive moments in your current life.

  • Work within your circle of influence, which is your thoughts and actions.
  • Expect the most from yourself and less from others.
  • No matter how bleak things look, make the effort to look for the small positives in everyday life.  

The little pleasures you notice along the road to your future will build your positivity so you can take on the world.

blog, writing process

So, where next?

hiking_maxmann
maxmann via pixabay

Okay, so it’s properly 2017 now. The tree and cards are gone, we’ve all gone back to work or school. It’s traditionally the time to look forward, make plans, set intentions and make resolutions for this New Year that we won’t keep.

No, this is the year of setting ourselves up for success rather than failure. Where last time I talked about footprints in the snow, this week is more about deciding where those steps are leading. What is the distant goal or mountain peak on which you hope to plant your flag? Without some end point, your journey is literally aimless.

However, your goal is not my goal. And that’s okay.

One writer might want to be a New York Times bestselling author. The next might recoil from that, but simply want to hold their book in their hands. Another writes only for their own enjoyment, to know themselves better or work through an issue in their history. And yet others want to make enough money from their writing to support themselves. Very different goals, needing very different tools and routes to success. Though it should be said that most writers want to be read by others.

A story comes alive in the telling.

That includes the stories we tell ourselves, that sabotage and undermine our conscious efforts to reach the goal. They usually boil down to fear, that protean trickster hiding behind a thousand faces.

I’m too______________
My stories are too _____________
The market is too  ____________

But this is fear talking, and that leads to fantasies that have no basis in fact. Writers succeed when they refuse to listen to this internal critic, that claims to protect you, even as it slams the door against the possibility of reaching your goal.

Fear keeps you home, anxiously listening for noises and wolves at the door, when you should be packing your bag and walking boots and getting out there. Remembering a big stick and wolf repellent of course, because a great antidote to fear is anticipating challenges and making a plan to overcome them. Success is not bestowed on a lucky few without effort. Success comes to those who stumble, fall, take a hit, and get up again ready to fight on.
Success comes to those who keep going.

What’s your goal?

 

compass-dream-worlds_mysticsartdesign
Mysticsartdesign via pixabay

 

I’m going to talk about writing because that’s my medium, but this visualisation exercise can apply to any creator.

Take a moment now to exhale, and get comfortable. Close your eyes and fly away into the future. Time does not matter here. You’ve achieved your ultimate writing (creative) goal. Breathe easily as you sharpen that picture of yourself and bring it into focus.

Maybe you’re watching the film of your book. You’re sitting in a bookstore, with a line of fans waiting for you to sign your latest book. Or you see your name on a book in Waterstones or Barnes and Noble, and smile to yourself. You get a letter from a fan, telling you how much reading your story helped them.

You’re typing away on a new MacBook in your ideal study, and your days as a wage slave are behind you. Or you are at a party, and when asked what you do you say confidently, “I’m a writer, and this is my latest project.”

Be specific. What project? Is it your current WIP or another book? How many people surround you? What are you wearing, what can you smell, touch, hear and see? Is the bubbly drink in your glass Prosecco or beer or soda water? Put in every vivid detail, and set no limits. Imagine it all, because this is where you are going. It’s Shangri-La, it’s the promised land, it’s your perfect idyll.

And it will only exist if you first create it in your mind’s eye.

We are artists and creators. We are the dreamers of dreams, and we deserve to dream for ourselves first. This picture is one to fix in your mind and come back to when things get hard, as they will. To fix it, or anchor it in your brain, it must be associated with a physical sensation. Pinch your left thumb and middle finger together firmly, while the dream plays in your mind’s eye like a bright, colourful movie.

You might be sitting alone on the side of a rough road, bleeding from being knocked down. But the memory of your happy future self is like a photo in your wallet. You can pull it out and remind yourself just why you’re out here, trudging this long and difficult path, risking pain and rejection and loss of faith. The anchor helps you recall it. Pinch your left thumb and middle finger together.

Breathe; time loops on itself, as you relive the memory of your future here in the present. The magic of creation is bringing into reality that which existed only in your own internal world. Dream for yourself, let your creativity flow in the service of a bigger goal, and it will give you the strength to get up and go on again. This is your true North, where your compass points.

Next time I will consider how to plan the route, but remember this.

The prize must be worth the journey. So dream your best dream.

 

blog, Pat Aitcheson writes

Learning to see

and choosing your view

p1010329
Sunset at the Sea Organ (Morske Orgulje) in Zadar, Croatia

Seeing is simple.

Open your eyes, look around, perceive and process visual stimuli. And yet, we know it isn’t as simple as that. We filter and block, we edit and disregard far more information than we retain. It’s essential, because we could not hope to pay attention to all the inputs.

It’s estimated that the brain receives 400 billion bits of data per second, of which the eyes receive 10 million bits per second. We are only aware of perhaps 2,000 bits per second. Just think about that for a moment. No wonder eye witnesses disagree. They all paid attention to different things.

Our brains are wired to take shortcuts and build theories to deal with all this data quickly. This can be helpful, but it also leads to biases, one of which is confirmation bias.

We all experience confirmation bias.

Thinking about buying a new car, maybe a blue VW? Suddenly you see VW cars everywhere, and especially blue ones, where you didn’t notice them before. It’s very useful to be able to home in on something, as long as we’re aware of how much we are ignoring.

Thinking positively in a negative world means operating with a particular filter in place. Look at the picture above. Beautiful, isn’t it? Tranquil and restful.

Now I fill in the gaps, adding more information from that moment. My stomach is grumbling, because lunch was hours ago. I am surrounded by too many people, crying babies, half empty beer bottles on the quay, screeching seagulls. My back aches, and I want to sit down. I wish there were more clouds, to make a better picture. I can hardly hear the Sea Organ, which is the main reason for my visit. I could choose this information, which is all true, and conclude this was a waste of time.

But look again.

It’s a beautiful scene. Gorgeous colours, the sun’s golden disc reflected on calm waters, and the distant sound of pipe music. The sea laps against the Sea Organ, playing a melody that is uniquely random and wholly calming. I am among a cheerful crowd, all come to salute the day’s end and welcome the night, and I have captured a reminder of that moment so that I can relive it at will. I choose to see natural grandeur.

Feels better, doesn’t it?

 

p1010360
Waterfalls at Plitvice Lakes NP, Croatia

The scene above recalls something from a dream, or a movie setting. My trip to breathtaking Plitvice Lakes NP deserves a post all of its own, but here’s one image. (The water is as inviting as it looks.)

I can focus on the heat, sweat running down the centre of my back, a strap chafing my shoulder, a nagging pain in my right knee, (you know, the one I injured years back), an itchy bite on my arm. Then there are hundreds of people on the one narrow boardwalk, pushing past me, pausing to take selfie stick pictures, and getting in my way. Also I’m out of water.

Or I can take a breath, and apply a positive filter. This is one of many breathtaking vistas, bringing to life scenes I had dreamed of long before. I am stunned by the aqua green of the water, overcome by childlike excitement, exclaiming ‘look at that!’

It feels like coming home.

One day I hope to return to Plitvice, where I remembered something important.

Sometimes, when life seems too much, it might be time to look for the very thing I need.

If I pause for a moment and really search out the good,  I can still experience wonder. On re-entering Real Life, a little glow will remain, and lend a rose tint to ordinary days.

blog, writing process

Spark your positivity

sparkler
image:pixabay

It’s time to sparkle and shine

We get ground down by life, events outside our control, drudgery and rejection. We lose our shine and forget why we’re doing what we’re doing. Our enthusiasm fizzles and dies.

But what is better than enthusiasm?

It arises from passion, from creativity, from hope. It’s bright eyes, talking fast, hands tracing out ideas that tumble from us unchecked, until we’re breathless and laughing and shaking our heads and saying ‘you probably think I’m crazy’.

It’s a bit like being in love.

I admit, it can be hard to understand another person’s obsession, whether it is model cars or snowboarding or antique hunting. Or writing, come to that. But we need to listen and in turn be heard. We need to let passion flow through our veins, because without it life is dull indeed.

When someone (finally!) asks how the project is going, do we shake our heads, talk about the blocks, the fears, and look downcast? Or do we reconnect with the spark and talk about the progress, the high points, the fact that we are further on, even if that has meant several detours?

Write that log-line. Polish up a sentence or two that captures what excites you about your creative project. Remember that we all love different things, and don’t forget to listen in turn. We can give each other the gift of attention, and we can choose to be positive and light.

We are drawn to positivity like moths to a flame, but remember that we all have our own inner fire. Even if it has dwindled to a mere pilot light, it can be rekindled.

Remind yourself what fun feels like.

Try drawing, painting, sculpting, photography, with no end except enjoyment. Try a new recipe, get lost in a new town, look around a gallery or a garden. New ideas are the oxygen on which the inner flame feeds. Turn your back on your chosen form for a moment, dabble in something else and come back to your project renewed.

Be warm, dynamic, committed, lively.

Show your spark to the world. It might just light a fire.